Dear Hope: A close friend died two weeks ago and I’m experiencing feelings I’ve never felt before. What should I know about grieving? Am I doing it “right?”
Dear Hope, I’ve never had anyone in my life die. The most experience I have with grief was my childhood dog. A close friend died two weeks ago and I’m experiencing feelings I’ve never felt before. What should I know about grieving? Am I doing it “right?”
Until now, the only significant death you’ve experienced was your childhood dog. That hurt, I know it did. But grief never really feels the same. No matter who dies, it’s different.
Two weeks ago, someone you loved died and now your body is probably doing things you can’t explain. You might be crying in the middle of the grocery store or forgetting how to breathe or staring at the ceiling wondering if you’ll ever feel “normal” again.
It’s terrifying. Disorienting. And it’s easy to wonder “Is this what grief feels like? Am I doing this right?
Grief Doesn’t Come with Instructions
Grief isn’t clear…it’s chaotic.
You’re not handed a checklist or a clean five-stage process (Shout out to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, but even she admitted later that the stages weren’t meant to be linear or universal and that they were meant to be used for those with terminal illness). What you really could get instead is:
Sudden crying spells
Numbness that makes you question if you’re broken
Guilt over what you didn’t say or do
Fatigue that doesn’t go away no matter how much you sleep.
You could also feel a million other things, but that doesn’t mean you’re malfunctioning. You’re grieving. Your whole system (heart, brain, nervous system) is trying to make a sense of a world that no longer makes sense
If this is your first big death, it hits different. Because you don’t have any emotional scar tissue or any framework. You’re raw and brand new to the grieving process.
Grief researchers have compared early loss to a neurobiological stress response…meaning your brain is literally trying to re-map your reality. You’re in survival mode, whether or not you realise it. That’s why things like remembering to eat and returning a text suddenly feel like climbing Everest.
Grieving a Friend Can Feel Lonely as Hell
And maybe no one is checking in as much as they would if it were your sibling or parent. But a close friend dying – someone who knew your laugh, your secrets, and all of your gossip – that is a real kind of grief.
Sometimes, it’s even harder to name because it’s less talked about (and there’s no bereavement leave). It’s just this huge hole in your life that the world keeps walking past.
You don’t have to justify your grief for someone who isn’t blood related to you. You don’t have to shrink it. You love them and that’s enough.
So…Are Your Grieving Right?
Let’s be honest, there’s no right way to grieve. There’s just your way. And whatever that looks like is real.
You’re grieving “right” because you’re grieving. So, feel your feelings and take each day as it comes.
