Dear Hope: Everyone keeps telling me to 'stay strong' after losing my loved one. But I feel like falling apart. Is that okay?

Dear Hope,

Everyone keeps telling me to “stay strong” after losing a loved one. But I feel like falling apart. Is that okay?

Of course it’s okay. It’s more than okay.

Oftentimes, people say these phrases and words when a loved one dies — they are automatic and built into our language. But, they aren’t helpful.

Those who say these things aren’t coming from a bad place. They simply don’t know what to say so they default to something they think is “right”. They don’t know that strength isn’t the emotional goal of grief.

The goal is just to grieve. Whatever that looks like for you.

This mask of composure that we are expected to wear in the midst of heaviness and deep feeling is not necessary. Because grief isn't weakness—it’s evidence of love trying to make sense of loss. The pressure to hold it all together can create distance between what we feel and what we think we should feel.

Letting yourself fall apart isn't failure. It's part of healing.

Tears don’t mean you're falling behind. Numbness doesn't mean you're not grieving "properly." Anger doesn’t make you ungrateful. These are not detours or bumps in the road. They are the path to a version of yourself that lives with grief.

You're not broken. You're grieving. And grief is messy, sacred, and deeply human.

We’ve been conditioned to hide our pain so others feel comfortable. But you don’t need to perform a version of yourself that is untrue. You’re allowed to fall to pieces sometimes, because love did that to you. And that’s not shameful. It’s honest.

You are allowed to grieve loudly. You are allowed to grieve softly. You are allowed to grieve your way.

This isn’t about proving strength. It’s about giving yourself permission to feel.

Even now—especially now—that is an act of courage.