Dear Hope: I’ve always been someone that practiced self care. Then my wife died. How do I take care of myself when it feels like my world has fallen apart?
Dear Hope, I’ve always been someone that practiced self care. Then my wife died. Now I don’t even know what self care looks like (or if it’s possible in grief).
How do I take care of myself when it feels like my world has fallen apart?
When someone you love dies, your world shatters. Even simple things can feel like climbing a mountain in bare feet.
In grief, you might look at the concept of self care and think that’s for other people.
People whose hearts aren’t broken into a million pieces without their person.
The truth is, self care in grief is nothing like it was before. And there’s real science behind why even the smallest acts matter.
What Happens to Your Brain and Body in Grief
Grief is a full-body event.
When someone dies, our brains react as though we’ve been physically injured. The stress response system, flooded with cortisol and adrenaline, goes into overdrive.
Research shows that grief can trigger changes in the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that manages focus, decision-making, and self-regulation). That’s why you might forget appointments, lose your appetite, or feel like your emotions are ricocheting between numb and unbearable.
In this state, self care becomes neurological triage. Acts as small as standing up, showering, or texting a friend can help stabilize your nervous system and signal to your brain “I am safe”.
Redefining Self Care in Grief
Before grief, self care might have meant structure (like morning yoga, meal prep, journaling).
After grief, it might mean survival (like drinking a glass of water, changing your clothes, or sitting in the sun for five minutes).
This shift is you adapting to your new normal - the one without the person you love being physically present.
According to psychologist Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion, responding to your pain with gentleness actually reduces physiological stress and improves emotional resilience.
The Smallest Things Are Still Things
The brain doesn’t heal in grand gestures. It heals in the micro-moments of brushing your teeth, feeling the ground beneath your feet, letting yourself cry instead of pushing it away.
These moments may feel insignificant, but neuroscientific studies on habit formation show that small, repeated acts of care rebuild neural pathways of stability and safety over time.
So if your self care today was eating a cracker and lying in the sun, that’s enough.
When You Can’t Care for Yourself Yet
Sometimes, even the basics feel beyond reach.
If this is where you are, let others carry the care for a while. Let your community feed you, remind you, sit beside you. Connection itself regulates the nervous system, lowering stress hormones and calming the body’s grief response.
Being cared for is a form of self care.
Self Care in Grief Is Not About Fixing Yourself
You don’t have to rebuild your world today. You just have to stay with yourself inside the wreckage.
Grief strips everything away. It rewires you, forcing you to find new ways to feel “normal”.
Ask yourself, what does self care look like here? How does it feel? And what can I do to just be with myself today?
You won’t feel exactly how you did before your wife died, but you can take care of yourself in new ways to get through today.
Grief doesn’t come with a map, but you don’t have to walk through it alone. I’m Laura Walton, LMFT and Founder of Grief on Purpose. I've created courses, resource bundles, and journals designed to give you tools, companionship, and a place to begin again. Whether you’re navigating the death of someone you love, carrying the weight of trauma, or simply looking for a gentle guide back to yourself, I'd be honored to help you.
