Dear Hope: My brother died suddenly in a car accident. How do I even begin processing trauma and grief together when it feels impossible to survive either?
Dear Hope, My brother died suddenly in a car accident. I keep replaying it in my head. How do I even begin processing trauma and grief together when it feels impossible to survive either? Why does it feel like other people are “moving on” so much faster?
Trauma isn’t necessarily about what happened. It’s more about what happened after, how you process the death, and everything that you hold as you navigate your grief. Trauma is how you make sense of what happened - how you come to see yourself or the world in the context of what happened. And often, it doesn't become trauma until later.
Two people can experience the same thing, for one it will become trauma for the other it won’t.
People who “move on” aren’t doing it better than you. Their experience of trauma may be different than yours. You are processing in the way that makes sense for you, and your unique experience.
What Happens When Grief and Trauma Intersect
Definition and overlaps: “Traumatic loss” refers to when a loved one dies in circumstances that are sudden, violent, or otherwise shocking (accidents, homicide, suicide). Such a death raises the risk of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Unexpected death as traumatic event: Studies show that unexpected death is among the most frequently reported worst traumatic event in someone’s life, even more than other intensely stressful events.
Psychological outcomes: Sudden bereavement is strongly linked not only to more intense grief but also to higher rates of depression, anxiety, family detachment, PTSD symptoms. For example, one study found that after sudden death, people reported worse academic function among adolescents, more difficulty with meaning-making, more intrusive memories
Risk Factors That Make It Harder When Processing Trauma and Grief Together
Some people adapt and find meaning while others get stuck. Research has identified several risk factors that increase the probability of more complicated or prolonged grief when a death is sudden or traumatic:
Risk Factor………………………………………………………………………………………….What Research Shows
Relationship to the deceased —The death of a child or sibling often correlates with more intense symptoms.
Previous mental health issues — Prior depression, anxiety, trauma can make healing paths more treacherous.
Lack of social support — Social support is a strong buffer; when it’s weak, outcomes (PTSD, depression, prolonged grief) tend to worsen.
Violent or shocking manner of death — Sudden, violent death tends to amplify symptoms. Intrusive memories, guilt (“if only…”), and shock are more frequent.
Difficulty making sense / finding meaning —When people are unable to integrate the grief into their life story, or it conflicts with their worldview, grief tends to be even harder to deal with.
What “Processing Trauma and Grief Together” Looks Like (According to Research)
Here are some scientifically-supported ways people heal, though healing is rarely linear, especially after a sudden death.
Meaning-making and memory updating
Cognitive therapies for traumatic bereavement often include helping the bereaved to shift focus from what was lost to what remains, transforming memories so the grief is integrated rather than suspended.Dual-process style coping
The dual process model of coping with bereavement suggests healthy grieving involves oscillating between confronting death (grief work, remembering, painful emotions) and restoration (adjusting to life changes, engaging with daily life, identity) so that trauma and grief are not always surged together.Early intervention / addressing risk
Studies indicate that people who receive support early (both emotional / social support, possibly professional help) after a traumatic death tend to have better outcomes. Intervention programs aimed at traumatic grief show promise.Social support & relational connections
Having people who can listen, validate, bear witness matters. Multiple studies find that better social support is associated with reduced PTSD symptoms, lower depression, and better psychological wellbeing after sudden or violent bereavement.Therapeutic approaches
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), especially modified for bereavement trauma, can help with restructuring beliefs about self, world, safety.
Imagery transformation, exposure techniques (in controlled, therapeutic settings) help with memory integration.
What You Can Do If You’re Trying to Process Trauma and Grief Together
Below are practices drawn from empirical work, adapted for real life. These aren’t prescriptions, but indicators of what tends to help.
Create space for remembering: Writing, talking, journaling about what you remember…not just the death, but your brother before, his voice, laughter, routines. Letting the memories come in can help give shape to grief.
Name the trauma: Acknowledge what about the death was traumatic; the suddenness, the accident, what you saw, what you couldn’t say. Trauma takes power when unspoken.
Seek support: Trusted friends, bereavement groups, professional therapists can all be helpful in the ever-evolving processing of your grief.
Therapy tailored for traumatic grief: If possible, find someone who understands traumatic bereavement, can help with CPT, exposure, or meaning-oriented grief therapies.
Allow for oscillation: On some days, you face the raw, the shock, the tearfulness. Other days, you must tend to chores, cook meals, and go outside. Both matter. The dual process model suggests that swinging between grief work and restoration helps prevent being overwhelmed.
Why “Finished Grieving” Is a Myth
Research tells us that grief is not about closure or “completing” it. It’s a constant evolution.
Grief as process, not event: According to grief theory, grief does not “end.” What changes is your relationship to the grief. You gradually build a life that includes the absence. The wound becomes part of your story.
Brain and body changes: Trauma and sudden grief affect cognition, sleep, immune function, physical health. You may have flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, trouble focusing. These are real body-mind responses to a shock.
Resilience is common, but not simple: Many people do eventually adapt, find moments of meaning, feel life again. But that doesn’t make the pain less real.
What It Means to Process Trauma and Grief Together
Processing trauma and grief together isn’t about choosing one and ignoring the other. It means holding the shock, the death, the memories, AND trying to build continuing bonds and meaning as you process it all.
It’s not linear. There will be setbacks. But each moment you allow yourself to feel, to remember, to seek help, you are doing the work.
Grief doesn’t come with a map, but you don’t have to walk through it alone. I’m Laura Walton, LMFT and Founder of Grief on Purpose. I've created courses, resource bundles, and journals designed to give you tools, companionship, and a place to begin again. Whether you’re navigating the death of someone you love, carrying the weight of trauma, or simply looking for a gentle guide back to yourself, I'd be honored to help you.