Dear Hope: Since my boyfriend died, everyday I feel so different. Why am I (sort of) okay some days and completely distraught on other days?
Dear Hope, Since my boyfriend died, everyday I feel so different. I thought grief was supposed to have a timeline. Why am I (sort of) okay some days and completely distraught on other days?
Many people expect grief to follow a clear path, a grief timeline with stages that arrive in order and then fade away. That idea is comforting, but it’s not real. Grief doesn’t obey rules and it doesn’t expire after a set number of months or years.
Why Grief Feels So Different Day to Day
One day, you may find yourself able to laugh, breathe, and carry yourself a few steps forward. The next, you may collapse under the weight of their absence, as if the death happened yesterday.
This back-and-forth can feel confusing, even frightening. But it isn’t wrong. It’s the natural rhythm of grief, an ebb and flow that mirrors the depth of your love.
Grief as an Ever-Evolving Relationship
Your relationship with the person who died didn’t end when they took their last breath. It continues to shift, the way relationships with the living do. Some days that bond feels tender and steady. Other days, it feels jagged and unbearable.
This is why the idea of a fixed grief timeline doesn’t hold. Your love keeps evolving and so does your grief.
If you’re waiting for grief to “end,” you’ll be waiting forever. That’s not because you’re broken, it’s because grief is love, transformed. Love doesn’t just vanish and neither does grief.
Instead of searching for an endpoint, what matters is learning how to live alongside it by allowing both the light days and the heavy ones without judgment.
Grief doesn’t come with a map, but you don’t have to walk through it alone. I’m Laura Walton, LMFT and Founder of Grief on Purpose. I've created courses, resource bundles, and journals designed to give you tools, companionship, and a place to begin again. Whether you’re navigating the death of someone you love, carrying the weight of trauma, or simply looking for a gentle guide back to yourself, I'd be honored to help you.
