Dear Hope: I’ve never had to grieve anyone in my life. But, my best friend’s dad just died and I want to support her. How can I help her through this?
Dear Hope, I’ve never had to grieve anyone in my life. But, my best friend’s dad just died and I want to support her. How can I help her through this?
Grief is not tidy. It’s not the movie version where someone cries once, hugs a friend, and moves on. Grief is jagged and unpredictable. If your best friend’s dad just died, you’re stepping into a reality that feels foreign, maybe even frightening.
And your presence matters more than you realize.
Grief Isn’t a Problem to Solve
The instinct is to fix or smooth or heal. But grief isn’t a wound you can stitch up and move on from, it’s a reorientation of life after loss. Psychologists call this continuing bonds theory, the relationship with the deceased doesn’t end, it changes.
Your friend isn’t looking for a solution. She’s looking for a person to be there for her.
What to do? Listen more than you speak, sit in silence if she needs silence, don't rush her toward “closure” ( because that doesn’t really exist in grief)
Words Can Harm or Heal
Phrases like “he’s in a better place” or “at least you had time with him” often sting, even when well-meant. Research shows that minimizing or spiritual bypassing can increase feelings of isolation in mourners.
What helps instead? Authentic, grounded acknowledgment:
“I don’t have words. But I’m here.”
“This is so unfair. I’m so sorry.”
Say their dad’s name. Again and again.
All you can do is comfort them and avoid the cliches.
Show Up in Concrete, Messy Ways
Grief makes basic living feel impossible - eating, driving, showering, even remembering to pay bills. A study found that practical support (meals, childcare, errands) significantly reduced stress in grieving families.
What can you do? Don’t wait for her to ask, just show up. Bring coffee, take out the trash, sit with her kid so she can nap. Your actions speak louder than any sympathy card can.
Unfortunately, most people disappear after the casseroles are eaten and the funeral service ends. But grief isn’t a weeklong event, it’s a lifelong journey. The acute pain softens, but anniversaries, birthdays, and ordinary Tuesday mornings will hit hard.
Check in at the three-month mark, six months, a year. Send a text that says, “Thinking of your dad today.” The long haul is where true friendship lives, where you can really show up for her.
You Don’t Need to Be Perfect, Just Present
Supporting a grieving friend isn’t about saying the perfect line or having the right book recommendation. It’s about showing her, over and over, that she doesn’t have to carry the unbearable weight of her dad’s death alone.
If you’re wondering how to help a grieving friend, remember that you don’t have to cure her grief.
Honestly, grief will always feel too big for words but your friend doesn’t need you to solve it. She needs you to stay, to say his name, and be the one who doesn’t look away.
Grief doesn’t come with a map, but you don’t have to walk through it alone. I’m Laura Walton, LMFT and Founder of Grief on Purpose. I've created courses, resource bundles, and journals designed to give you tools, companionship, and a place to begin again. Whether you’re navigating the death of someone you love, carrying the weight of trauma, or simply looking for a gentle guide back to yourself, I'd be honored to help you.
